I really need to work on controlling my emotions. I keep telling myself to be patient when taking care of Gerrard as he is still young. However, I am still not adjusting well to waking up for his night feeds. When I do not get enough sleep, I become a super tyrant; snapping at Derek for the slightest thing, reprimanding him for not helping out (although it is even tougher for him since he needs to work). Yesterday night, I took it out on Gerrard when he fell asleep while drinking his milk. I kept stuffing the bottle teat roughly into his mouth and I even shook him, wanting to wake him up. No matter what I did, he simply refused to take another sip. In the end, I gave up because all I wanted to was to get back to sleep.
What kind of a mother am I? It is always the morning after that I feel so guilty for treating them this way. I look at Gerrard snoozing beside me and I tell myself that I have failed yet again. Why have I turned into such a nasty person? May God (whichever one out there) give me strength to keep my temper in check.
I want back the old me.
Only then can I be the best mummy and wife.
